Beauty for Ashes

I started this blog as a way to encourage. To shine some light on the good, make some sense out of the sad and share the miracles. 

Pain and hard have a way of putting the reality of life into sharp and undeniable perspective. One moment we are taking care of the responsibilities of life and enjoying friends and family, and the next there is an event, or series of events, that changes everything. 

I grew up in an incredible family. My parents loved each other and worked hard to provide a solid foundation in life for my brother and me. We had the privilege of going to a private, Christian school and enjoyed many wonderful family times and memories. I graduated high school, started work as a front desk receptionist, then was hired at Whitworth University as a program coordinator in the department of Religion and the Chaplain's office. I spent 24 wonderful years there building relationships, gaining skills and growing in the Lord. But one day I remember having a fleeting thought...the wonderment of why my life wasn't as hard as others I knew. So much of life was just way too easy. I wondered why. I soon realized that suffering is not a matter of "if", it's a matter of "when". It WILL happen. The real question is what will I do with it once it does come. And "come" it did. 

At 37, I wanted to be married and to be a mother, but time was running out. I had spent years asking God for a mate, but that prayer seemed like it kept falling on deaf ears. I got tired of hoping. I got tired of praying about it. And one day I just laid it all out to God, telling him that if it wasn't his plan for me to be married, to please change my heart so that I could get on with the "real" work he had for my life. Ha! Two months later I met Kevin on a Christian dating website. At first it seemed like a very unlikely match because he was so shy. That didn't last long and we soon were talking nightly for hours on end. I knew there was something to this guy when he told me he would prove his integrity to me over time. Time! In a world of instant gratification, this man was willing to be in it for the long haul. He stood the test of time and on May 2, 2008, we were married.

The first of the "hard" came when our first baby was on the way. We were so excited and pretty shocked as we were older than most first-time parents. I knew that the risk of miscarriage was higher at my age, but tried to keep that thought away. Six weeks into the pregnancy, an ultrasound revealed that our precious baby had gone to heaven. Two more pregnancies followed, each one ending in miscarriage. I wondered what God was doing.

The next "hard" came when a test revealed that I might have cancer. It took two agonizing weeks to get definitive results. I remember that on the day I was supposed to get the results, I couldn't go to work because I was so paralyzed with fear. I'll never forget the relief that washed over me when the news was that the test was negative. Looking back, I wish I knew then what I know now about suffering...that the same God will show up in incredible ways even if the test had been positive.

Many of you went with us for the next "hard". In 2016, Kevin was diagnosed with stage 1 colon cancer. That day is emblazoned on my memory like a cattle brand. I remember the drive home with him that day, both of us in somber silence. I looked over at him and told him I loved him. He said, "Don't say that" because we both knew what that meant...that we might be on the edge of a very hard journey...one that could end with him going to heaven.

Many of you also came with us for the next "hard", which was our foster/adopt journey. When Kevin was at a point in his treatment where he was stable, we made the decision to become foster parents. We were both excited and scared, but thankfully usually not at the same time :). Our first son, Kevie, came to us just one day after our license was active. Our next son, Spencer, came the same day I sent an email to the department saying we would be ready for another baby in a week (ha!). Our daughter, Marilyn, came to us just after Kevin's first brain surgery. To say that God had absolute control of the timing that each of our kids came to us is definitely an understatement. He knew exactly what he was doing and when he was doing it. We were amazed by each one and couldn't believe God chose us to be their parents. But it didn't come without a lot of hard. Seven years of fighting cancer while raising small children from foster care never does.

On Sept. 28, 2023, I took Kevin in for brain scans. Early the next morning I called 911 because he was showing some changes that meant I couldn't take care of him at home anymore. A few hours later, we would know that Jesus was calling him home. On October 2, 2023, Jesus did just that. Losing Kevin was pretty much my worst fear up to this point in life. And that happened. Now what? Did God show up?

No, he didn't. He didn't show up because he never left in the first place. He hadn't changed. I had. I can't wait to share how.