Um….what??

 "Patience. Be Still."

Um, what?

I stood at the bathroom sink and looked at myself in the mirror. After pouring my heart out to God and feeling somewhat hopeless, like I knew he would answer some day but not today, those were the words he said to me.

Before you think I was absolutely out of my mind, I was not. I was just trying to understand, just asking God, like a child asks her Dad. I truly was just washing my hands at the sink and, just as plain as anything you can imagine, I heard those words. It sounded like a powerful rushing wind. Bold, but gentle. Authoritative but compassionate. While I stood there amazed that God had actually spoken to me, I wondered what it all meant. And some excitement started to grow. Did God have a baby for us? Did he have several babies? What would it all look like? Two weeks later, I was at church. A friend who knew we wanted a family walked up to me and timidly said, "Michelle, I was praying for you, that God would give you children and he said, 'Patience, be still.'"

Ok, now I was REALLY listening! 

I had wanted to be a wife and mother for as long as I could remember. The Christmas presents I treasured the most were the ones that revolved around baby dolls, doll houses and anything that resembled home and homemaking. In my mind, I made up stories of protecting and loving them, as if they were real. I dreamed of the day when I would have my own, real babies. And actually, I just assumed I would. I assumed that somewhere around age 22 I would get married and have children, just like most people who wanted a family seemed to. Age 22 and 32 came and went, and I still wasn't even married. I decided to try online dating. I met one guy, a handsome lawyer, at The Davenport for coffee. A few days later I would discover he had appeared on Judge Judy. He was the plaintiff in one of her cases, which he miserably lost (queue the eye roll!). Other relationships came and went, each one special in their own ways, but not meant to be for marriage. 

I got tired of waiting. Years were going by and the desires of my heart were not happening. I had a great job, a great family and great friends, but I knew I wasn't doing what I was created to do. So one day I tried to fix it by asking God to change my desires. I was tired of longing for a life he apparently didn't want for me. I wanted the pain of longing to stop, and I wanted to align myself with what he wanted, since being a wife and mother obviously wasn't. I think that God kind of chuckled a bit when he heard this from me. Not in a condescending way, but in a "Oh, I love you so much, kiddo. Just wait. The best is yet to come" kind of way. A month later, I met Kevin on a Christian dating website. It was not long before I knew he was the one for me. We were 37 when we met and married at 38. 

Our first pregnancy was a miracle all by itself. It felt like a dream. Six weeks into it, the dream ended in miscarriage. Two more followed, each ending the same way. I wondered what God was doing. 

The next few years were filled with waiting, waiting, and yes, more waiting. I tried to want to adopt. Doesn't that sound awful...to have to try to want to adopt? My heart just wasn't there. It wasn't there because the timing wasn't right. God's perfect timing. 

In 2016, we were told about a baby boy who needed a home. As soon as I told Kevin, he said, "Let's find out more." I wanted to know more, too. From that point on, my heart was ready. That same summer, Kevin had his first surgery to remove stage 1 colon cancer. That surgery failed and he suffered a massive abdominal infection. A very long road to recovery then followed. We said "no" to that adoption, which was painful for both of us. But God had a plan. 

He always has a plan. The question is, Are we willing to listen and let Him unfold it?

"Patience. Be Still."